I’m in the middle of writing my doctoral comprehensive exams. In the email carrying the exam questions, my supervisor advised, “Enjoy this time. It won’t come again.”
So I will blog.
I’ve woken to memorable nightmares the last three early mornings: being caught breaking and entering, monster truck and jeep road accidents complete with human limbs busting through engines, and piles of perpetually rotten salmon. I’ve also been waking to thoughts of how to phrase particular sentences, how to structure essays, and how to invoke certain theorists to build new arguments (book-ended, of course, with, ‘Brilliant! I should write this down! No I will remember it. No, I should really write this down… I… hmmph… *snore...’).
While I’ve been tramping through the snowy Ottawa days with devil-may-care swagger, my psyche is punishing my suppression of stress with restless nights. I am well acquainted with this kind of stress; it is nestled in intellectual insecurity and reveals itself when I need to produce something. In brutally honest self-reflection, I ask the familiar question during these stressful times: “Who am I to assert my opinion on any given topic?” Damn, femininity. I curse you.
Heeding my supervisor’s wisdom, I will try to feel fortunate to be participating in this phase of study. I likely won’t have the luxury to sit at this blessed laptop and write without interruptions for a long time, if ever again. And, save images of rotting salmon and chopped up legs in fan belts, as I get into synthesizing material with the main aim of impressing the pants off of my knowledgeable committee members, I’m starting to feel like an expert of a tiny body of literature. This is a nice change for me, as my usual experience is fraught with “the more I know, the less I know” anxiety, which tends to be detrimental to my feeling of productivity and overall sense of wellbeing.
This may not be the merriest chapter of my degree, but I vow to skate on the canal, bake ravioli, snowshoe, see live music and visit my friends. I will preside over exam stress with levity and grace.
Just don’t talk to me for a month. ;)
