writer's block is writers lying

This past week, I did a lot of research, but I couldn't bring myself to add pages to my latest paper. It caused major stress. I was reminded of why I am afraid of career writing. The stress got worse. I felt dumb for being stressed. The stress got even...worse. And so, cookie dough on spoon, third coffee on nightstand, I looked up the origins of writer's block.

Fittingly(?), "writer's block" is one of the least informative wikipedia pages I have read. Upon further digging, my general understanding of what is and what causes writer's block was confirmed. Coined by a psychoanalyst in the 40s, it is an issue of feeling uncreative, anxious, or unskilled, for any number of reasons, including no reason at all, that causes writing to stop.

Days later, I agree with applying causation to anxiety, and, at least in my case, the anxiety is related to trying to write something I don't believe or know (or think I know). Never has the writing gone slowly if the thoughts are confident and true. Just this week, I was struggling through a project proposal when I realized I was proposing a project I didn't think was useful. This idea was affirmed on Friday when I was having water with a girlfriend and heard myself struggle to discuss a personal topic. Eventually I blurted out a shocking phrase. I acknowledged its ring of truth only upon hearing it escape my mouth, and then the words poured out.

I'm now noticing how prevalent is this communication block in personal life. Relationships only cause me stress if I'm lying. Only if I'm lying (usually to myself) is it difficult to find the words to say, or does anxiety feel like torment. This week, when I made serious eye contact with a friend and allowed the truth to be exchanged between us, I first understood the issue at hand. Upon figuring out the core of my message, the words (and tears) fell.

I've decided writer's block isn't a thing. Self-deception is a thing. It is difficult to write when judging or deceiving myself, and it's impossible to write when judging myself for judging or deceiving. I had this belief reflected back at me this week when on a run with my friend, Randy. We talked about Sheryl Sandberg's talk on how women get in their own way, and as much as I'd like to add a hefty dose of materialism to Sandberg's "numbers tell the story" approach, the practice of women's negative self-talk is surely contributing to writing slowing to a halt.

Now that the block is sorted, it's BACK TO THE PAPER, reciting affirmations to tell it like it is, sans dough.