my dissertation, my life

When I first arrived in Brighton, I snuggled into a tiny independent café called Taylor Street Barista. The walls were painted taupe and periwinkle, decorated with photos of “specialbike,” hung by clips and strings. Cozy. I daydreamed I owned the café.

The guy next to me, whose accent I recognized as Ontarian (the first person I sit next to in the UK is Torontonian!) was joined by a young woman student. He was doing a Ph.D. and she was chatting with him for advice about graduate school. The two of them proceeded to illustrate my dissertation topic, at which point I interrupted and admitted/asked to eavesdrop.

The girl quickly launched into the dilemma of whether or not to start grad school based on wanting to start a family with her male partner in the next few years or so. She’s my age. What struck me immediately is that she was incredibly frank about the tension. She wasn’t ashamed of desiring either role – she didn’t express guilt about wanting a career and she didn’t seem embarrassed about wanting to be a young mother. This sounded slightly different from my Canadian colleagues. Typically I’m exposed to women who use a million caveats (“I know I’m young, so it’s silly to be thinking about family… [even though they totally are thinking about family and I’m sure they secretly don’t feel that young]” or “but I don’t want to be one of those crazy career people… I just love what I do… so… [even though they joyfully work harder than most people I know]”) as they describe their strategizing. The girl in the café also didn’t frame the tension as something frustrating or structural – this is also a unique message. Many women I chat to comment on inadequate maternity leave or barriers to getting funding after taking time out for kids, etc. My café friend was matter-of-fact about what she perceives to be choices.

But the frustration leaked out of her. She was saying stuff like, “if I do it, I want to do it the best” and “I’m a perfectionist” and “it’s an investment: kids or career.” THEN, she hit it home by admitting that in the end, work is very competitive and there is so much uncertainty (you could go to grad school for 5 years and not get a job in the end!), whereas being a mother would be a guaranteed role. And her partner is supportive of that. She said her main aim is financial stability and her main question is timing – her desire for both motherhood and career success is not in question at all – but she feels the need to pick a path. Also, she’s 25, so she’d better make the decision within the next 5 years. I didn't even prompt her to say that!

HOLY CRAP. Rushing to the interview guide drawing board.