Dated Wednesday, May 18th.
I'm reporting from Kensington Market on this drizzly Wednesday morning. Trying to make and race through a to-do list, mostly just to garner a small sense of health and productivity, I'm delayed by what I can only label emotional exhaustion. Tom Waits and biscotti in a jazzy cafe... I feel everything. The barista had such a warm smile, I wanted to hug her. The girl next to me was so friendly as she helped me move chairs and tables that I literally welled up with happy tears.
I think many of us would agree that we've been programmed to think of health and productivity as imbricated. Maybe there is some relationship, say, between self-actualizing and movement, but I'm talking about the more crude messages of neoliberal "responsible citizen" discourse. I'm sure critique of this kind has existed in some form at least since the dawn of capitalism, and I do intentionally resist tying my mental health to traditional notions of progress and productivity in the modernist sense, but here on this rainy Wednesday, I'm just desperately wishing for some passion or compulsion to get me to work: typical, modernist punch-your-time-card work. I acknowledge that I'm intensely privileged in this temporal sensation - I assume the majority of people on this planet are too busy trying to feed themselves and their children to dwell on "what is this grey area between leisure and labour" - but this recognition doesn't seem to help much.
As I'm already beginning to articulate the feeling of being lost (in this city, in this temporal space, in this nostalgia), I suppose I'm on my way out of it. For the last several weeks, I haven't been able to fully accept these wasteful days as necessary for "wellness" - I just feel lazy, guilty and altogether stressed out. I'm hoping that in putting these feelings into words, I'll ignite some motivation to work again, whatever that means in Ph.D. land.
i think this is why it has taken me a week to paint (still not done)...i know once i'm done painting and cleaning i will no longer have an excuse to not do work
ReplyDeleteFunny you just reminded me of a Guardian article by Amelia Hill called Boredom can be good for society. She cites (prof) Wijnand Van Tilburg who says boredom promotes prosocial behaviour "such as blood donations or donating to charity." Apparently people do not simply turn to distractions that are fun and meaningless when they're bored (you're painting!). I'm going to go give blood and see if it re-establishes my sense of meaningfulness. rofl.
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