Friday, June 17, 2011

as always, the personal is political. and scholarly.

As I prepare to submit my SSHRC application this September on a dissertation topic that hits frighteningly close to home, I have to come clean with my research question. This requires facing my own soul searching speed bump - how do women (read: I) experience the choice to pursue doctoral studies and how does this choice intersect with plans for family formation?


I've spoken with my queer and straight friends about what we're looking for in a romantic partner, and many of us are shamefully honest about one fact: we want to be treated equally *and* swept off of our feet at the same time (okay, it's mostly my hetero friends who admit to desiring the latter). We are looking for men who want a balanced partnership, but who also fit the mould of a Prince Charming who we can look up to, who is older, wiser, stronger, well-connected socially and more financially stable than us. The difference between most of us and Cinderella besides an extraordinary bust-to-waist ratio is that we aren't passive, quiet, meek, poor, bored or socially isolated, and we aren't that young anymore. From what I can tell in my personal exploration, the fairy tale ending for women is going to take an average man with a very large broom to do the sweeping.


This is not a pleasant realization. In fact, I often neglect writing about this personal subject in favour of more socially and life threatening global issues so that my miniscule issues pale in comparison. There are certainly more important problems in this world than this modern-day version of 'bored housewife syndrome,' but, as I've said in the past regarding privileged struggles, recognizing this intellectually does not take away from the lived emotionality of it all.


I knew the single woman doom was palpable yesterday when I strolled past a cute boy walking a cute puppy in a Glebe park. We both said "hey" and kept walking, and by the end of the next block, I had daydreamed our wedding linen colours. I literally stopped myself on the sidewalk to take a deep breath and give my own head a shake. Nothing about my thought process was rational.


I take some responsibility for my vain desires, but I also resent popular discourses that no doubt influenced the construction of these as such. I want to bleep "Someday My Prince Will Come" out of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves (and its equivalent in every other Disney princess tale) in lieu of, "Your prince is unlikely to come. You will pursue a lesser version of Prince Charming and settle for him, and you'd be lucky if the one you choose does not steal from you or have erectile difficulties. This is okay. You will be happy enough, and you'll have your career to keep you stimulated when pillow talk wanes. And remember, he is settling for you too, princess."


This is a jaded rant, and I'll hardly write on the topic of romantic love with this severity in a day or two, but for now: parents, let your kids listen to Jagged Little Pill early on and provide caveats to every princess tale to ease their future disappointment.

7 comments:

  1. totally amused! some thoughts:

    1. single woman doom - no doom! no doom! singlehood (if that's a word) is no doom and is a choice some people make willingly and happily

    2. knowing that a lot of straight women want a partner who is older, wiser, stronger etc... makes me wonder about why i don't want this....i don't think i want someone who is more intelligent...i don't think i want someone to look up to...i don't think i want someone who makes more money than i do...i will however take someone who is more attractive than i am....haven't figured out exactly what this says about me...all i know is every time someone tells me i should just be a "trophy wife" i joke, "screw that, i want a trophy husband"

    3. until very recently i very much had the soulmate mentality...because of a certain situation that started out very much a la "eyes meet across the room, love at first sight", i had fallen deeper into the fairy tale trap that i had been introduced to by the media as a kid...and then i read this:

    http://www.amazon.com/Love-Romance-Mass-Media-Communication/dp/0805848320/ref=ntt_at_ep_dpt_1

    while this book has not cured me entirely lol (i have yet to read it all though!), it certainly was the first time i was seriously forced to actually question some of my beliefs about love...textbook read, but quite enjoyable...so i totally hear you on the resentment of pop culture

    my brain is about to explode thinking about all of this

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  2. Oh, Patty, I love this! Thank you! A few brain explosions to share:

    1) I think you bring up a different, but parallel, love phenomenon, that is; women who find a sense of self in traditionally masculinized spheres have 'nontraditional' desires when it comes to romantic love. I'm putting words in your mouth here, but this is what I'm garnering from the 'trophy husband' idea. Women have built independent lifestyles and would like to keep them that way because, let's face it, bringing home the bacon feels like a better alternative to asking for an allowance. 'Nuff said.

    2) Re: "no doom!" Haha. I don't think it is possible to simply decide not to feel unsettled by this friction between desires and popular models of romantic love. Also, I may have been exaggerating with "doom" - the feeling may, in fact, be better described as unnerving or anxiety-provoking. I should point out, too, that I enjoy being single, so it's not all scary black clouds. It's more of an underlying sense that I may not get what I have been trained to believe I was destined to have.

    3) Thank you for the totally pertinent book ref! Galician is now officially on the list!

    4) I'd like to interview you in 2012, s'il vous plait :)

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  3. I'm influenced by being partnered - or "settling"? - but my experiences with those older, wiser, richer etc. has been that the relationship was fundamentally unequal. My disgust at the power dynamic that ended up playing out each time really overpowered the initial attraction.

    I shared some of this with my partner, and his reaction was that those qualities are patriarchal.

    I know you started this by saying you've talked to queer friends as well, and admitting a hetero bias to the latter attraction.... and I don't know, I don't know how to say what I want to say about this.

    I think part of what I want to say is that not all honest desires are patriarchal, but women are often treated like they're only telling the brutal truth if they admit to something old-fashioned and essentialist about the true nature of female desire. I think it's possible that non-normative desires are genuinely honest but aren't given as much attention.

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  4. T - I think what you said is so interesting.

    Yes, I would agree that the unbalanced partner dynamic that I described is unequal... this is a great point, and this may be why relationships of this type have never worked for me.

    The qualities I'm describing are totally patriarchal. I guess I'm not trying to make a claim - or tell the brutal truth - about an essential female or feminine desire. In fact, I haven't had much luck relating to theorizing on natural female desire (critiques of psychoanalytic theory, etc.). I have a feeling that this occasional desire for something traditional (oppressive) that I'm describing is not natural at all, but constructed for me and written into my sense of desire through social scripts (especially because I picture Prince Charming to be donning a certain kind of suit jacket, hairstyle, etc.).

    One issue that stumps me in trying to theorize feminine desire is that I don't have any sense of where my desires come from or even what they are on a given day. I almost feel reduced to a nature-nurture debate, only its more complicated because desire is so much about process and always being in a state of lack that it is too dynamic to be named and understood. I have a feeling my partial desire for a patriarchal figure is an unknowable collision of my socialization, small physicality, and potential to be pregnant.

    We need this wine night.

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  5. By the way, I just saw said cute boy with cute puppy holding hands with his girlfriend in a cafe today :P

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  6. Why is "settling" such an "unsettling" idea?

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  7. Crap, Alvin, maybe you're onto something. I keep thinking about self-actualizing, but... I can't put my finger on it.

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