Hot Monday morning, Americano in tow, I'm recapping on a weekend spent with various thoughtful friends who weighed in on the subject of dating and mating under a feminist politic of kindness. Specific topic of interest: the perfect rejection line.
To set the scene, over the last couple of weeks, I've been fielding business cards and friend invites to unprecedented extents. I am not complaining (yet), just a bit confused. Maybe I'm seeing the world with new eyes, making better eye contact, wearing my hair down more... in any case, it seems I'm giving off the single vibe. This is, of course, exciting to realize and play with, and one of the major perks of being unattached, but with it comes the task of telling someone you're not interested in them. My usual claim, "Sorry, I would, but my boyfriend/partner/baby daddy/mommy would beat you up," doesn't ring so true anymore, so I'm on the search for something polite and direct.
The topic of shutting someone down kindly may seem like a petty problem (it is), but the truth is, airy encounters can suddenly turn ugly at the end of the night and can become so intimidating that sometimes I dread talking to new people or even going to parties, period. I also dread the idea of being rejected by someone who felt the need to come up with an excuse to prevent me from bawling in a bathroom stall. Yuck.
The topic of shut-down lines started last week with a group of my colleagues, three of us single, one in a serious relationship, all straight and in our 20s. One woman, a period film buff, claimed to taking her cues from Jane Austen: "What honour you have done me in your fair proposal. You must give me leave to flatter myself for I think of you highly in favour, but to accept is impossible as my feelings forbid me from it" (...or something like that). This approach appeals to my streak of etiquette and nicety obsession, but the chances of that sliding out of my mouth coherently on a sweaty post-soccer pub night are slim.
Another of the women at the table, who enjoys a night out at the club as much as the next girl, is noticeably more jaded at the ineptitude of men to understand and accept what the frack she says to them. She advises giving it to men straight, with no glimpse of even the slightest sliver of hope that might become a kernel of potential in the quick explosion of she-must-want-me man denial: "No, I don't want to date you. It's not that I don't want to date right now, it's that I don't want to date YOU. EVER."
The dysfunctional need-to-please-and-be-loved in me knows I could never say anything closely resembling that.
The conversation continued at brunch this weekend with two of my girlfriends (one married and pregnant, the other engaged and unpregnant as far as we know), when I asked for their go-to shut-down lines. We each confessed to pulling the "I'm in a relationship" card, but one of the girls exclaimed, "Sometimes I don't want to have to say that I'm married. I want to be able to say, 'you're being a jerk, and that is why I am not interested in seeing you again.'" True that. Why should people (especially women) need to confess that they are, in fact, already possessed by someone (already someone's property!) in order to express disinterest? Doesn't sound very feminist. This idea got me going...
Yesterday I brought up the 'not wanting to say I'm married' issue with a close teammate, a highly perceptive 30-year-old overeducated jock/writer with a streak of small-town conservatism. I was sensitive to the fact that he is a guy, so I tried to sugar-coat the need for rejection lines, saying, "Not that being picked up at a bar or cafe is a gendered thing... I just mean... you know... rejection lines for anyone... something you might use..." to which he replied, "Amanda, men pursue women far more viciously in general. I know what you mean." Whew.
He advised something along the lies of a white lie. "I'm not really dating right now / I just got out of something / I don't feel comfortable giving my number to strangers." I liked this approach. Seems innocent and simple enough... though still, do we need to rely on dishonesty?
Sure, it's easy to agree that not only should one not have to lie to get out of a social situation, it's simply kinder to tell the truth (cue Nick Lowe: you've got to be cruel to be kind). What I loath, though, is that sometimes people get huffy and become intimidating in the face of clean rejection. I'd like to continue dialogue along this vein, and for now I offer a note to everyone, which I hope to internalize myself: if you are rejected, it need not be such a smash to the ego.
From the brutally honest and borderline cruel, to the white lie, to the default admittance to being off the market, to the full-on spiraling-out-of-control untruthfulness ["You know I would give you my number... because it's been great talking with you... but I'm getting this new cell phone... and I'm travelling a lot soon to, like, this really weird place... and so I have to lend my phone to my friend, who's a bit silly about stuff... and my house is actually on fire right now and so I need to go.... right now." -- a personal favourite of mine], rejection need not lead someone to feel so rejected. Liken the dating game to choosing the breed of a new puppy, to which/whom we will bestow our love and affection - all puppies are cute, but some people prefer shaggy, bouncy, hypo-allergenic; others the slick, svelte, running animals; others, short, stumpy snorting things with smushed in faces; and others still, a mixed breed mutt with character to spare. Be you pug or golden doodle, one person's trash is another person's treasure.
A) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8wRXa971Xw0
ReplyDeleteand when that doesn't work:
B) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xplUpR3m0io
oh man, she's abrasive.
ReplyDeletehaha funny stuff...my thoughts and hopefully i don't go on random rants:
ReplyDelete1. one clarification regarding "No, I don't want to date you. It's not that I don't want to date right now, it's that I don't want to date YOU. EVER." ---- Yes, this is borderline cruel, but this I only say to the jerks who had either said something inappropriate or who continuously pursue me even though I have told them I am not interested. I'm not that mean!
2. I think after reading this the conclusion I come to is: it's not a big deal. You can't be expected to want to date every single guy who approaches you. You are not obligated to even engage in a discussion with every single guy who approaches you. Because it is exhausting. A guy at a bar once whom I had expressed disinterest in asked me why we couldn't just talk for five minutes. My response: "Because if I talked to every guy who approached me tonight, I wouldn't have any time for the friends I came here with." Sure, this sounds a little obnoxious but it is true.
3. How I handle these situations: I try to limit the amount of times I end up in them. Because I think most of the time if you end up in a position where you have to tell someone you're not interested it is because you have allowed it to get this far. I think there are few men who approach women they don't know for the sole purpose of engaging in a riveting discussion. Most do it because they are interested in something more. If you continue talking to them and being friendly, then of course you will end up in these situations. So I will be polite when approached (unless something inappropriate is said/ someone touches me - I don't like random men touching me, even my arm) and because I am generally able to tell within a minute or two if I would be interested in someone, if I am not, my line is usually (after a minute of chitchat) "Well, have a good day/evening/night" etc. And then I walk away. To me this is polite because I am not wasting this person's time. They are now free to go find someone else to talk to who might be interested in them. Sure, I might miss out on some interesting conversations, but if the end goal is to get my number, how genuine are they really?
4. If I do get myself in a situation where I have to tell someone I'm not interested (besides the times where strangers just flat out ask for your number/to buy you a drink/out on a date thereby cutting off my polite escape method - here I generally respond in the same flat out manner by uttering some variation of "No, thank you") it is because upon getting to know someone who I thought I would be interested in I realized I was not. In this case, I see nothing wrong with saying "I'm sorry, but I'm not interested in hanging out anymore." If they ask why, a simple "I don't think we/our personalities/our values/ our goals mesh well together" or "I am not feeling anything romantically" is more than sufficient. If the person is mature, they will accept this. Perhaps you can even be friends. If the person is not mature and gets confrontational, isn't that validation that you made the right decision in not wanting to pursue anything with them? In which case, forget about it. It is not your obligation to deal with people who do not understand that not everyone is meant for each other.
ReplyDelete5. How did I come to believe all this? I was a super shy kid in high school. Never talked to boys and certainly did not look approachable. In undergrad, somewhere between my tattoo, midriff bearing shirts and introduction to alcohol and bars, that all changed. I got more attention from boys than I cared to have and I did not know how to deal with it. I used all the methods you have mentioned. It is when I started losing close male friends (because they had developed a romantic interest in me that I did not reciprocate) that I realized honesty was the only way to go. If you're honest, you are showing respect for the person. If you're honest, you can't be accused of 'leading someone on' - something I had complained about guys doing to me or to my friends. If you twist it around and think about how you would want to be treated in this situation I think it becomes easy. If I was at a party/bar/anywhere and got the courage to go talk to a boy I was interested in and he spent a ton of time talking to me and flirting and then at the end said no when I asked for his number, I'd feel like I was led on. If I asked someone out on a date and they said "i'd love to but i can't because i have to wash my hair and then my car" my response would be "Do you really think I'm dumb enough to believe this?" If I was seeing someone and all of a sudden they stopped talking to me or returning my calls, my response would be "Well, why couldn't you just tell me the truth?" Hence, I will always be honest even though I know I might hurt the person's feelings. No it does not make feel good that I might be making someone sad or jolting their confidence, but that is what I feel is right, responsible and true to my character. To me, honesty is kindness.
Lily Allen says it best: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SEkglpOTVCw
ReplyDeleteIn the past, I've been frequently threatened by men I politely or more forcefully turned down.
ReplyDeleteI don't personally have a regular problem anymore... I'm usually only hit on by men over 40 but they mostly stopped once I left my teens. I do not think I have had a man under 30 approach me in adulthood, the last one I remember was when I was 12. (Actually I think most single straight men go out of their way to make it clear they aren't interested, to the point that I play the partner card to be treated like an uninterested girl instead of as an ugly girl. I am also uncomfortable with this, but it's more disgust with the world than my action in it.)
... but I've been through the frustration with queer friends of dealing with men who don't back off because they aren't with a man, even while very vocally stating that they are both partnered and not interested. This hasn't just been really overt sexist homophobes, but also friends with crushes who just don't disappear they same way we watched them give up on other interests with boyfriends. Subconscious or not, super frustrating: I worry how much the I'm partnered line really directly relates to the fear of violence and the reifying of violence with masculinitiy, even when it's not as explicit (albeit, jokey) as your line was!
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ReplyDeleteStrangely enough, I have had some of these thoughts swimming around my married-but-not-just-married-because-that's-not-my-entire-identity head these last few days. Steve and I went to a square-dancing/hipster-fest party this past weekend, and some guy asked me to dance. Seems innocent enough, except these things happen quite rarely in my life, and even more rarely now that I walk around with a band/shackle around my left ring finger.
ReplyDeleteIn my total shockdom, I replied "uhhhh...okay?" in the most unsure/unassertive manner possible.
Steve looked confused/mildly hurt, I had no interest in dancing with mystery hipster and therefore felt really stupid, and mystery hipster is left feeling even more perplexed.
In the end, I lamely went to Steve complaining of my predicament, putting him in the lovely position of claiming me as his property. This, then, pissed me off to no end and left random hipster to find an even hotter chick with which to dose-do.
Had I just heeded your friends' advice and said something like, "Thanks, but no thanks" the aforementioned ridiculousness could have been easily avoided.
Call me; I miss you:)